"i'm starting to know the sound of nothing and no one and yet everything"

Watching my friends find happiness is amazing. Truly. I absolutely adore sharing in their joy of figuring out their paths...establishing their careers...falling in love...getting married...starting families...finding fulfillment in their corner of the world. But here's the thing...it also sucks. Because in so many ways, I don't feel like I'm getting very far in any of that. So reveling in their accomplishment and cheer does occasionally leave me wallowing in my own misery.

Alright, so that's an exaggeration. Mostly. But it does hurt to look at where my life is right now, and realize that it looks so vastly different from what I imagined it might be...and not in a good way. At least, not that I can see. Yet. And yes, this is where the self-indulgent pity kicks in. I mean, seriously - who imagines that they're going to be 29, divorced, living with Mom & Dad, working a part-time job, and really struggling with the question of what they want to do with their life? I certainly never did. As recently as a few years ago, I expected that 29 would find me living in Texas, working on a college campus in an extremely rewarding field, happily married to a man I loved immensely who would be almost done with his first degree and with whom I could finally consider the possibility of starting a family. That's what my 29 was supposed to look like! Instead, I feel like I've spent the past three years rebuilding the very foundation of my life's intentions...like I somehow wound up back at Start while everyone else is well on their way to the castle at the end...like time is slipping away from me uncontrollably.

And most days? I'm okay with it. Most days, I'm able to remind myself that all things happen for a reason, in the scope of a bigger picture...that the right things will happen in the right order at the right time....including finding someone wonderful to love. But right now? Right now, logic and reason just aren't working. My heart has decided that it's ready...ready to be content...ready to be settled...ready for something more than a crush, more than the idea of someone. Quite simply, my heart has decided that it's ready to be in love again - not soon or eventually, but right this very moment.

Which only makes seeing my friends' happiness that much harder. Because it reminds me of what I had...what I'm lacking...and what I'm longing for.

Where I am: Lebanon, KY
What I'm reading: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (which yes, just might be exacerbating my self-pity)

(lyrics from "Somebody Stand by Me" by Faith Hill)