when the wrong guy finds me approachable
…also known as, “pushing my politeness to its limits”
Truthfully, I have a pretty bad track record when it comes to meeting guys in any place other than bars and clubs…as in, it doesn’t really happen. But after conversations with a friend in Boston, I’ve realized that this unfortunate luck has a lot to do with the vibe I apparently give off…a combination of body language and facial expressions that send out a very strong “not interested” message. And as enlightening as that is, it’s also pretty darn frustrating…because it would be great to meet guys in more everyday settings like the gym or the grocery store. So I’m working on the whole “being more approachable” thing.
And apparently my efforts are starting to pay off. This afternoon I stopped at the library on my way home, was browsing the shelves in the fiction section, when I realized that the guy standing a couple of shelves over was saying hello – a bit hesitant, almost whispering – but saying hello nonetheless. So I smiled, said “hello” back and continued looking for books.
Yes, that’s right – I continued browsing through the shelves of books. Which sounds rude. I mean, isn’t this what I wanted? For a guy to find me attractive and approachable enough in my jeans, flip-flops and ponytail to walk up and say hi in a normal place like a library? Well, yes. But I’d also like to find him attractive in return, and oh – for him to be older than say, twenty-one or twenty-two (which is just way too young). So I thought that turning away from him and returning to the books would be a polite way to indicate that I was not interested in talking to him.
No such luck. A minute or two later, with him still a couple of shelves away, he said, “so do you sit and read here a lot?” Again, I answered politely and returned to browsing. Another minute or two went by, during which I moved to the next shelf over, when he asked, “am I in your way?” Again, I answered politely and returned to browsing. Are we seeing a pattern here? Good. He wasn’t. Another minute or two later, he looked down at my flip-flops and commented, “you must like to take your shoes off a lot.” Even though I was utterly confused by that unusual observation, I again answered politely and returned to browsing.
Now by this time, I’d found a few books, was realizing that this guy was just not getting it and knew that if he continued with his shy, whispered and totally random questions, my polite deflections could just possibly turn into not-so-polite sarcasm. Because while I believe in being open and responsive when a guy actually takes the initiative and tries to make a move, I do have my limits. Seriously. If he’s going to make his move, he should also be able to make a dignified retreat. So I turned to walk over to the librarian’s counter, at which point he took a step toward me and said, “Did you see all the books over there?”
Politely – politely! – I paused, looked over my shoulder and said, “I’m sorry, which books?” Because, you know, we’re in the middle of a library, so it’s not like I immediately knew which books he was referring to. He replies, “Those books over there,” gesturing toward the next wall. By now I could feel the sarcasm gearing up – primed to say something along the lines of, “why no, I didn’t realize there was a whole wall of books over there. Thanks so much for pointing that out.” Instead, I took a deep breath and politely answered, “yes, I did.” And God bless him if he didn’t make one last try – “so what’s your name?” I smiled, told him my name and walked away. Quickly.
Still, I suppose we could consider this progress. I actually got hit on in an environment that didn’t include any combination of loud music, strong drinks and late-night come-ons. And they say practice makes perfect. Now I just need to stockpile some patience.
Where I am: Lebanon, KY
Truthfully, I have a pretty bad track record when it comes to meeting guys in any place other than bars and clubs…as in, it doesn’t really happen. But after conversations with a friend in Boston, I’ve realized that this unfortunate luck has a lot to do with the vibe I apparently give off…a combination of body language and facial expressions that send out a very strong “not interested” message. And as enlightening as that is, it’s also pretty darn frustrating…because it would be great to meet guys in more everyday settings like the gym or the grocery store. So I’m working on the whole “being more approachable” thing.
And apparently my efforts are starting to pay off. This afternoon I stopped at the library on my way home, was browsing the shelves in the fiction section, when I realized that the guy standing a couple of shelves over was saying hello – a bit hesitant, almost whispering – but saying hello nonetheless. So I smiled, said “hello” back and continued looking for books.
Yes, that’s right – I continued browsing through the shelves of books. Which sounds rude. I mean, isn’t this what I wanted? For a guy to find me attractive and approachable enough in my jeans, flip-flops and ponytail to walk up and say hi in a normal place like a library? Well, yes. But I’d also like to find him attractive in return, and oh – for him to be older than say, twenty-one or twenty-two (which is just way too young). So I thought that turning away from him and returning to the books would be a polite way to indicate that I was not interested in talking to him.
No such luck. A minute or two later, with him still a couple of shelves away, he said, “so do you sit and read here a lot?” Again, I answered politely and returned to browsing. Another minute or two went by, during which I moved to the next shelf over, when he asked, “am I in your way?” Again, I answered politely and returned to browsing. Are we seeing a pattern here? Good. He wasn’t. Another minute or two later, he looked down at my flip-flops and commented, “you must like to take your shoes off a lot.” Even though I was utterly confused by that unusual observation, I again answered politely and returned to browsing.
Now by this time, I’d found a few books, was realizing that this guy was just not getting it and knew that if he continued with his shy, whispered and totally random questions, my polite deflections could just possibly turn into not-so-polite sarcasm. Because while I believe in being open and responsive when a guy actually takes the initiative and tries to make a move, I do have my limits. Seriously. If he’s going to make his move, he should also be able to make a dignified retreat. So I turned to walk over to the librarian’s counter, at which point he took a step toward me and said, “Did you see all the books over there?”
Politely – politely! – I paused, looked over my shoulder and said, “I’m sorry, which books?” Because, you know, we’re in the middle of a library, so it’s not like I immediately knew which books he was referring to. He replies, “Those books over there,” gesturing toward the next wall. By now I could feel the sarcasm gearing up – primed to say something along the lines of, “why no, I didn’t realize there was a whole wall of books over there. Thanks so much for pointing that out.” Instead, I took a deep breath and politely answered, “yes, I did.” And God bless him if he didn’t make one last try – “so what’s your name?” I smiled, told him my name and walked away. Quickly.
Still, I suppose we could consider this progress. I actually got hit on in an environment that didn’t include any combination of loud music, strong drinks and late-night come-ons. And they say practice makes perfect. Now I just need to stockpile some patience.
Where I am: Lebanon, KY
Comments
I had a guy kind of smile and nod at me in the gym recently, which was rather flattering, even if no conversation took place.
But the library, that's like the perfect place. Sorry the guy couldn't get the hint, but good for you for keeping it polite!