because sometimes the answer isn't what you expected
"Be careful what you wish for,
because you just might get it all
and then some you don't want."
("Home" by Daughtry)I'm always a little amazed (and possibly a little nervous) at how the universe works and how prayers may (or may not) be answered. This time, it started this past weekend, when I spent three wonderful days in North Carolina with some girlfriends (more about that another time). It made me realize just how much I miss them. Worse, it helped me finally admit what I've been trying to ignore for the past few months...that I've been really struggling to be happy in Pennsylvania. Because while there are things I do like about living here, I've yet to feel like I belong here. I've even admitted to a few close friends that the only thing keeping me here is having a job that I truly love.
So this was all in my head as I was driving back to PA on Monday...and the farther I drove, the more upset I got. Finally, I calmed myself down and decided that I was going to spend the next few months really making an effort to settle in...mainly because I realized there was no way I could continue being unhappy in any part of my life. It just wasn't healthy for me. So somehow - whether it was finding a church to attend, finding a group to volunteer with, whatever - I was going to use my downtime this summer to find my place in this corner of the world. I didn't expect it would be easy, but I said a little prayer as I was driving north on I-95 that somehow, I could regain that personal happiness - that personal contentment - that's been missing recently.
Well, it turns out that God has an interesting sense of humor. Because less than 24 hours later, I found out that I officially have no reason to stay in Pennsylvania anymore. The one thing keeping me here is no longer a part of my life. Which is really difficult for me to wrap my brain around right now. But I also acknowledge that it's probably for the best. So for the first time in about four years, the decision of where to live...of what direction I want life to take...is mine. Entirely mine. And no, I don't know where that will be. No idea. At least, not yet.
Funny how things turn out...how the answers to prayers may not be what you would have liked, but ultimately are wiser than anything you could have asked for.
Where I am: Pennsylvania